ENTRY LEVEL

Only the necessities; only $20.00.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Almond or oat,
Oat or Soy,
Soy or…
2% it is.
But, only a half gallon:
“Only take that which you need.”
My grandpa would be proud.
I should call him sometime this week.
His age is starting to show, and he needs to know that I think of him often.
He needs to know that I could never forget about him.
He used to put whole milk in his coffee,
whole milk and half a bag of sugar.
Well, not really half a bag…
just enough to warrant criticism from my grandma.
She meant well by it.
He never took her too seriously.
He deserves to know that he will always be loved-
that I will always love him-
no matter which side of Heaven he calls home.
I put the 2% back.
Whole milk it is.
But, only half a gallon.
My grandpa is a good man.
Okay.
What’s next?
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Oh my gosh, is that Thomas?
Hey! Thoma…wait…
That’s not Thomas.
Thomas lives in Wisconsin.
Last time we talked, he seemed to be doing better.
He’s working at a grocery store, but he could do so much more.
It’s hard to watch one of the smartest people you know become crushed by the burden of learning; to see joy turned to torture and never to joy again.
College wasn’t kind to him.
At least, not in the way he needed it to be.
College was hard for me, too.
But I’ve recovered.
I can still see the good.
Most days…
Some days, all I see is a wall of Oreos.
S’mores. Doublestuffed. Lemon. Mint.
Sugar stuffed sugar in a bright blue package to solve the world’s problems.
It’s easier to satisfy a sweet tooth than it is to acknowledge a loss;
but, I’ve gotten better at managing myself.
Immediate gratification is never the answer.
“Suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope.”
Verse 3
Verse 4
Romans 5
I hope that someday Thomas is able to find the hope he left
in that pale lecture hall.
I know it’s still there.
I know because I saw it when I went for mine;
waiting like a half-full Nalgene
under a broken chair.
I don’t need Oreos.
They aren’t on the list:
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray
Oh, that’s a bad idea.
That’s a bad call.
If Oreos won’t solve my problems,
then that would make them much worse.
I have to work tomorrow.
It’s already late, and
I have no one to share it with.
Would I really drink a whole bottle alone?
Alone.
There are no other options.
It’s just me right now.
It’s just hard to breathe right now.
Am I really going to cry?
Here?
No.
Focus.
Only the necessities; only $20.00.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
It’s just my allergies.
It’s just the dust.
I’m fine, I just have to keep moving.
Beef and Salmon Savory Delights?
Good enough.
Wait.
Did someone call my name?
Hannah?
What is she doing?
It couldn’t be…
If that was Hannah,
she would have greeted me with a kiss on the cheek
and a bear-sized hug.
She would squeeze me tight,
wouldn’t have let up.
She would know that something’s wrong.
She’d ask. I’d lie.
She’d see straight through;
she’d shake me and sigh;
she’d insist I tell the truth.
I would.
I would tell her about the pregnancy.
And, from the quiver in my voice, she would know about the loss.
6 weeks and 3 days.
I met my baby with hands covered in blood.
Hannah would cry for me;
I cannot afford the tears.
Only $20.00; only the necessities.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food.
Hairspray.
Milk.
Stop!
Not now!
No!
I can’t do this here…
I must retain my sense of control and decency.
I’m an adult for Pete’s sake…
…so, why do I love so easily? Why do I let people in?
How is it that strangers can become loved ones, and loved ones strangers again?
Do I haunt the lives of those I’ve loved? Do they remember I exist?
Do they see me in the unknown? Would they recognize me in the mist?
Is it a two-way street, memory?
Can you remember those you have yet to meet?
Love those you don’t know?
Has the future been made permanent already?
Is it kept with the storehouses of snow?
Or, do we only see the ghosts of love lost?
Could we be haunted by a love that’s yet to come, yet to be said?
Does love leak out of that perfect place,
where there’s wine and butter
and freshly baked bread
…to meet us where we are?
Where we are.
Where we are.
Where am I?
On one side there’s blended carrots, potatoes, and peas.
There’s newborn size diapers, bibs, blankets, and a colorful set of keys.
On the other there’s whiskey, bourbon, beer, and grog.
There’s sleepless nights. There’s anger. There’s endless, unfeeling fog.
In the middle stands a phantom,
with my husband’s blue eyes
and my mousy brown hair,
wearing little, denim overalls
with embroidered teddy bears.
I never meant to hurt you.
I know.
Will you be home for dinner?
I’ll be a little late.
I’ll save you a seat.
Be good.
I will.
Promise?
Promise.
Tears flood my vision;
the stranger slowly fades.
“What has been is what will be,
and what has been done
will be done.”
I didn’t know that angels
could stand at
two foot,
one…
No.
Focus.
I just need to find hairspray.
Hairspray, and I’ll go.
High hold?
High shine?
Humidity-resistant?
Instant Freeze?
Inhale slowly.
Exhale.
Take it easy.
Relax.
Just breathe.
None of this matters.
I grab some Diet Coke, as I go.
I scan my items.
I pay.
I leave.
I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Only the necessities; only $20.00.
Cat food, hairspray, milk.
Cat food, hairspray, milk
Cat food, hairspray, milk..
Something’s missing?
What is it?
What is it?